Saturday, April 21, 2012

Life Changing Accidents

It started as we were driving back from some kind of church activity. Sister "Smith" was driving Sally and me. She was going way too fast along these sharp curves along the edge of a mountain. We were in a desert. Everything was brown, and it was hot and very sunny. I realized later that Sister Smith was somewhat drunk. That, or she had really lost her mind and was being threateningly suicidal/homicidal. Not because she didn't like me or Sally, but because she was trying to prove some kind of point to everybody at church. On one of the curves, the car couldn't make the turn, and we were driving off the edge of the cliff. We were in the air, falling. Everybody was screaming, and Sally and I were holding hands (I was in the passenger seat, she was in the middle back seat), both saying prayers out loud to God, telling Him we have our fullest faith, and asking in this moment of emergency if he could spare us. We still have work to do in this life, we still have duties to fulfill. I was thinking about Nick. I was thinking about how I still love him, and I felt my want to continue my life with him. Then, the car started to slow down in its fall and landed back on a lower road. We all cheered out of relief that we were unharmed and sang and shout praises to the Lord. We started going again, and Sister Smith continued to drive like a maniac. Suddenly another car came out of nowhere and there was an awful accident. I was the worst injured. I hit my head really hard, and the car had smashed through my door and parts of its engine had jammed against my body. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital. Dr. House's team was watching over me, and apparently I had been a part of the team. I could hardly move. I could not see well, my vision was badly damaged. Parts of what I was seeing were just completely gone, and everything else was extraordinarily blurry. My depth perception was thrown, and I could not discern colors very well. I had trouble staying awake, and I was breathing with the help of a machine, because I could not breathe on my own. Even once I was off of the machine, speaking was difficult with the combined head injury and breathing problems, but I learned how to do some of it. I spoke very slowly and my voice was low and a little rough. I found that when I would sit up/stand up, my legs were so damaged and my back so injured that I could not remain upright. Moving my legs was difficult, they felt very heavy. I had to do a lot of physical therapy in order to be able to get some normal movement in.
Something had happened later that put all of House's team out of work. I had been deemed incurable/fixable, and was a bit of bad luck or something to them, so they got rid of me. I went to a burger king on my own later, barely being able to walk or see, but I knew that one of the team members, Taub worked there. He saw me in line and saw I was having trouble getting around, got my order, and then I slowly started to tell him something about how he shouldn't give up his career, and something about 13 and other team members needing his help, even though House wasn't in charge. He said it would not be as good of a team without me there, but I told him I was of no more use, and that it's what he needed to do. I had things on my own that I needed to do, which is why the Lord had spared me in the awful car wrecks.
Later, I was home. I was kind of useless, just stuck on the couch, unable to do much else. I wanted to drive again, get around, go to church and go see Nick, but my parents said I couldn't because my physical movement was so slow and my vision was so bad. Even though I had gotten glasses that helped tremendously (though there were still some blind spots), I wasn't allowed to drive.
There were some people who were mad at me, and I did not know why. One guy, we'll call him John, was upset because he thought I was long gone. He didn't understand that my brain was still functioning and I was still there. I was just handicapped. He also was somewhat jealous that I was not in love with him and that I was in love with Nick. He had been a very good friend to me though, and in real life, I once liked him a lot, but got over it. He never responded, but now suddenly he really liked me. Through this trial, he had been helping (though I don't remember how), and I gave him a parting kiss to say "thank you". It was awkward, but I really wanted to thank him. I then moved on, in search of Nick. For a while I was back in Rexburg, waiting to be able to see Nick again - kind of how I am now in real life. There were some people helping me to recover, and helping me to try and have fun. We were on a beach, and some girls thought I would look really cute in a few other swim suits, so they led me to a locker room and had me change. My former roommate was in there, and she kept staring at me, because I looked different from the accident. I just ignored it though, and tried on the suits. Back on the beach, somebody openly asked me ", pardon my asking, but what exactly is wrong with you?" and I laughed, because not only was I having to deal with the accident, but my crohn's disease was acting up as well. I explained, and people were very understanding. Then suddenly I was in Utah. My cousin Shelley had a baby girl with a number of complications. This was one of the twins, a few years ago when they were born. It was almost like there had been some kind of apocalypse, and the hospitals were deserted. So she ended up sticking the tiny baby in this little rectangular "L" shaped hole in the ground, keeping her covered in mud that was treated with something that would be absorbed into the baby's skin to encourage her organs to continue growing so that she would not die. We watched her progress, and eventually we got to take her out. Everybody had to be at different places though, because the world around us was being destroyed, and I had to breastfeed the child. I was not sure why I was lactating, but then I remembered I had been pregnant, but miscarried, and my body was still somewhat in baby-preparation mode. (No clue how I had gotten pregnant, though I felt regret over it, as if I had slept with someone and had repented of it since, but was still unsure as to how exactly I had gotten pregnant.) I fed the child, and suddenly felt this strong instinct of motherhood that had been laying dormant in my life until this moment. Even though I had this broken body, I felt a sense of wholeness, peace, and accomplishment because of the fact that I was still able to carry out the role that my body is supposed to carry out.
Then suddenly I was finding Nick. He was on his way home from Boston for a quick break from work. He called me, saying there had been an accident. I found him, and he was in a narrow road between two mountain cliffs. A car had fallen off the road above on the mountain and smashed nose-first into the front of his car. He was stuck, but uninjured. His mom had shown up as well, and so had his godmother. It was interesting, all of us being there. Both his mom and godmother had been wanting to meet me, and I was still physically handicapped. Plus we were all in this car in the middle of nowhere, waiting for help. But I was so happy to be back with Nick. He loved me still the same, even with this broken body, and his mom and godmother were gracious and a bit overly-concerned with both him and me, him being stuck in his car and just little things, like how his new job is going and our relationship. With me, she was encouraging of me and my efforts to become stronger and get better, but also kind of babied me. Asked me if I needed anything to eat and somehow had food ready for us and helped me get comfortable to eat. She was very loving.
I don't remember how it ended, but I was so happy to be with Nick. We were together, holding hands, and I just felt this overwhelming calm and happiness of being with him. It was beautiful.

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