Monday, December 5, 2011

Some Nights Are Just Awful

Last night's dreams were just plain awful. Just as terrible as the last set of nightmares I had. And the whole time, my heart wasn't pounding and I wasn't anxious like I would expect myself to be, but I just quietly endured it straight through and was depressed, frustrated, horrified, and completely filled with dread. All somewhat peacefully, except for the fact that none of what I was going through was necessarily peaceful.

I don't remember exactly where it started, but I remember being in Iowa City, which in and of itself was awful to me, I can't find anything good to associate that place with. I was looking through cellos at the violin shop that I got my cello from down there, because I need a new one eventually (which, also, in and of itself gives me anxiety just thinking about... it's going to cost a lot of money). I ran into these people, a mother and a son I know from Dubuque who also have his cello cared for at this violin shop. They were in to have some work done on his cello and were browsing through to find a temporary replacement one.
The eeriness of the dream began about here, because all of the cellos were severely damaged and unplayable. The wood was rotten and the cello necks stuck out at odd angles, broken and missing strings all around. The place seemed to have been underwater for a very long time. There was a lot of mold and what looked like washed up sea weed everywhere, with dark dank smelly puddles everywhere. I was chatting with the mom, and apparently they were in a hurry to head out of the town before it got dark, which made sense to me because the town was freaking creepy at this point. The mom asked for directions to the hospital (which I am more than familiar enough with) and I offered to just go with her in the car to take her and her son there so they could meet briefly with someone they know who works there, and then they would head home. So I went with them, but as I was giving directions, I realized I was taking us the wrong way. So I had us turn around, and when that happened, I saw that the rest of the city was starting to look like the violin shop - it had been flooded, and many parts of it were still flooded and even under water. Sky scrapers were completely drowned. We were then sort of swimming through the city traffic, finding the best way to the hospital. The buildings around us were all ruined. Water plants were growing on them, sea weed taking over. I knew there were people who never made it out of the buildings. Death was everywhere.
We got to the hospital parking lot, and I took them inside. I had no shoes on and did not want to be noticed because of that. The mom did not listen to my advising on where we parked, so we had to walk allllllll the way through the hospital to get to the area they needed to be in. They were really frustrated, but I was just eager to get out of there. We walked down some really long hallways that were unfamiliar to me and had really weird textures to the walls and floor. I remember there being a window into this place that was boarded off, and I could see rock and dirt and ants crawling everywhere inside. It was disgusting. Behind the little window/boarded door it dropped off. The rock wall didn't go very far back, maybe only a foot or so, but its height and how far down it went was not known. There was a flood light lighting up the place, and the whole thing just gave me the creeps. I kept remembering the last few times I had been here, and was really sad remembering my friend Scott had been here just a year ago and died from cancer. I became really depressed. Wanted to get out of there asap. We kept walking, and the mom was irritated that I didn't have shoes on, and I was too because my feet were feeling dirty, so once she got what she needed from the pediatric clinic, she took me somewhere to get slippers or something for my feet. I had to pay twelve dollars for some shoes that were really fuzzy from this really tiny office. Then we left, but the mom's kid was still inside. She said he would catch up and meet us out in the car. We got out to the car and waited for him, and I could see him inside the building, trying to find his way allllll the way back through the weird hallways and to where we parked. He made it, and then the mom told me I owe her all sorts of money and I just gave her twelve dollars for the shoes and was out of there.

From here, I was then traveling to Idaho. It was really really cold, and I did not have everything I needed with me. I got to the apartment, only to find that more changes had been made to who was going to be my room mates, how the apartment was set up, and how much living space I actually got. It was really confusing for a little bit, and eventually I got a room to myself, which I wasn't expecting, but only for a few moments. These two girls showed up, both sisters. They were really young and terribly annoying. The younger sister wasn't even supposed to be there, she was still in seventh grade and was just being an annoying tease to her older sister, who kept being outrageously silly with her sister nonstop. It was so annoying. They hid under my bed, told me I had to share a room with them because those are the rules or something. They were declaring all sorts of rules that would be official because this was where they were staying, and I had to comply to all of them. They were absolutely ridiculous, and I can't remember any of them because of the dream aspect of them, but it was really ticking me off. When I told them they couldn't do a lot of the things they were planning on because it simply just isn't proper roommate etiquette , they got really defensive and anxious and upset. I had to explain to them that no, there dog could not stay under my bed and poop in a box under my bed, and no, I would not dog sit for them while the older sister has class, and no, I would not allow them to sleep in bed with me. Their stuff did not belong under my bed, they needed to have their own place with their own bed for their stuff. I was getting really anxious at this point because it was looking like I would have no space to call my own outside of my basic pillow area - that was it.

I then had to explain to them how to do their laundry. I couldn't believe they had been dropped off at college and didn't understand how to use or share a washing machine.

The rest of the girls in the apartment complex, which were actually more like dorm rooms rather than apartments, ignored me and left me to deal with this crazy girl by myself.

Things finally seemed to settle down and I went to bed, only to be woken up with a mess in my hair. Gel and cream oozing everywhere. The crazy girl thought it would be funny to play a prank on me. When I got mad and told her that was rude and inconsiderate, other people told me I was being mean and should just get over it.

The whole time I was waiting for my parents to get back from the store so they could help me finish getting set up with my groceries and such, but they were mostly interested in just getting out of town and not worrying about me anymore.
And I realized how much it sucks to not have a car. And I'm not going to have a car when I actually go to Idaho, which I am not looking forward to at all.

So I got outside eventually, and was freezing cold. People were out partying before classes began, and I was suddenly with a bunch of people I know from various things, mostly orchestra in high school, but some people from church here in Dubuque, and some people were characters from House and some people I didn't know at all.
We were all gathered together to support our mutual friend, who in real life right now is preparing for radiation therapy treatment for his recently diagnosed cancer. It was a party of some sorts, to help this friend keep his spirits up. Eventually the focus was less on him and more on the party. Some people were really drunk, and it was kind of frightening. I kept being picked up by people trying to dance, and people were getting naked and trying to get me naked, but I didn't want to be. Somebody grabbed my breast and made some rude joke about how I'm too small for him so he's not interested in me, but he kept on pinching me and wouldn't leave me alone. It was really really really unexpected and bothered me a great deal. I was really upset. Finally they left, but apparently, because I wasn't participating in the dare to get naked or something, I was going to have to be punished in a way, similar to the idea of how House gets punished in his show when he misbehaves by having to do stuff he would rather not. For me though, it meant an invasive medical examination in public. I was freaking out at this point and was trying to run away, but I couldn't escape. I was screaming and kicking and doing everything I could to keep myself wrapped up in a towel and away from these crazy people. They got a hold of me and I can't remember what I said, but I got them to wait for just a minute while I thought of something to distract them, and then I woke up.

Thank goodness.

I was really upset when I woke up and it has taken me all day to get out of this funk that the dreams put me in! D: