Wednesday, June 4, 2014


It's far enough away now that I can post this one because I do not remember all of the details anymore.

Friday night, my dreams nightmares involved me getting raped. Twice.
The first time it was by someone I knew. Even when I awoke I did not remember who this person was.
The second time, I was supposed to be protected by someone I know, but I do not particularly like this person. He left, and I was unable to get up from this sort of bowl/tub thing I was in. A large man walks in, begins rough housing, knocking things over, then grabs at me.
For both attacks, I "black out" at the point of contact with the assaulter. The next thing I know, I'm left thrown on the ground, crumpled and abused, knowing I have been raped.
For the second attack, I had written down the steps the man took to terrorizing me, and I read them to the person who was supposed to stay with me. He got pissed and I just didn't know what to do. I was in shock, really. Unable to process much, unable to physically do much, not sure where to focus my emotions. I knew in the back of my head that it was not my fault, that I will move on from this, that I was simply an innocent victim and the attackers would pay the consequences in the end. The next task in my mind for the dream was to deal with the facts and learn to cope.

In the dream, I felt a huge sense of vulnerability. And the feeling after you get adrenaline. Not quite the crash, but where you're still a bit shaky and have to breathe deep.

There is absolutely no reason why I should have had this dream.
I have never been sexually assaulted.
Harassed? Yes. In high school. But in that case, I turned around on the spot and swung my leg, aiming for the guy's crotch. I missed because he jumped. I wasn't scarred in the least bit. Just unwilling to put up with crap.

I was in a rotten relationship at one point in my life where I was manipulated. I don't like to think about it much, and I am an entirely different person now from who I was then. My feelings on that part of my past are completely dissimilar to how I felt and what I went through in this nightmare.

My marriage is wonderful and it shocked Tyler a bit when I told him about this nightmare.

It was an awful thing to go through and I really don't understand why I have these horrible experiences in my subconscious.
My life is on the right track. Very good things are happening. No, it's not butterflies and rainbows. It's much better than that. It's a constant learning experience with growth and health and relationship building, both in my marriage and out.

I wonder if I am being prepared. Not necessarily for future personal experiences, but perhaps prepared to have empathy for those who I will come to know who do go through these experiences.
Be it rape, watching family die, having to remain strong and be a loving leader for youth around you, dealing with trauma.
I don't know.

But I really don't like the darkness.