Hair and a Fair

For once, my incredibly weird dream was not a horrific traumatizing experience. My dream last night took me back to high school. I think. Ha. That in and of itself was traumatizing, so my brain took it easy I guess.

It was some kind of spirit week in preparation for a Homecoming or Prom dance.
It was "Famous Person" day, where you dress like someone famous. So pretty much, anybody. There were super heroes, celebrities, historical figures, cartoon characters, etc. I just threw on some clothes and someone told me it was fine. I didn't really care. I wasn't actually a student, but was blending in.

My hair was pink. Because earlier in the Spirit Week, it had been class distinction day, and, since I was blending in as a senior, seniors wore red. I had bright red hair for that day, and I guess it had faded.

I REALLY liked it. In the dream.


It's fun to dream about. But I don't know that I'd ever actually do it. Maybe some day, when looking professional all the time isn't a necessity. Ha.


Oh. And in the dream, I was working on setting people up to go as dates to the dance. The one I was watching closest worked out. And the girl wore a dress like this:

idk why some details stick out way more than others.

Oh wait, there was gore and terror to the dream.

There was some kind of traveling fair visiting the school. You could walk around outside, visit game booths, buy cotton candy and other snacks, and cross the parking lot to the dance.

One of the booths was an attraction for dare-devils, people who want to get their adrenaline rushing, or don't want to say 'no' to a dare.

You climbed up some stairs to a high platform. They attached you to a harness that is on a crane. Often it was a young adult/teenager and a smaller child in a two-person harness. They would slowly lower you into a pool/swamp kind of thing. There was an alligator at the bottom, but the gator couldn't get all the way to the top. So you would be lowered into the water, and then see how far into the water you will allow yourself to go. Tease the alligator, basically.

Well, I could see this was a terrible idea. A man and a child, both strapped in a two-person harness, were lowered in. The man stretched is legs down while floating at the top, and the alligator swam up, as was supposed to happen. The man jerked his leg back up to prevent the gator from biting, and the crane lifted the pair up. The alligator was supposed to stop, but powerfully broke the surface of the water and grabbed on to the child. The child had to be 4 or 5 years old. He was completely helpless and about to be crushed. I think the adult was either incredibly stupid or drunk. Or both. He was trying to yank the child out, but that only made things worse. I don't know how, but eventually the child was freed. Traumatized and scarred, but alive.

Later I discovered there was something else in the water, too. But you had to have special glasses to see it. It was actually roaming the whole fair grounds, but nobody could see it. It was basically a giant sand crab. A 6-foot long, 5-foot high crab. With a 4-foot long tail. It was just creepy.

The end.

BYU-I

I had a final performing test. Found out I wasn't a favorite of the music department, which really ticked me off. I wasn't going to be considered anything more than an amateur for some reason unbeknownst to me. It was a frustrating dream and I wanted to yell, but I didn't. I did leave a pissed off impression, which I felt kind of bad about. All-in-all, I just wanted out of there. Besides, I'm done there anyway?

I believe this dream comes from the fact that I don't feel satisfied with all of my BYU-I education. It's a great school, don't get me wrong. I loved a lot of my classes. It's a really great place to be.

But when it came to my progress as a musician, I ultimately was not satisfied. And I don't know what could have made the difference.

Okay, I do know, but I don't really want to make it public, as this is the internet.

I feel kind of ripped off.

I try to ignore it and move on. I wish my dreams wouldn't search through every dusty corner of my memories and bring crap to the front.

Rape

It's far enough away now that I can post this one because I do not remember all of the details anymore.

Friday night, my dreams nightmares involved me getting raped. Twice.
The first time it was by someone I knew. Even when I awoke I did not remember who this person was.
The second time, I was supposed to be protected by someone I know, but I do not particularly like this person. He left, and I was unable to get up from this sort of bowl/tub thing I was in. A large man walks in, begins rough housing, knocking things over, then grabs at me.
For both attacks, I "black out" at the point of contact with the assaulter. The next thing I know, I'm left thrown on the ground, crumpled and abused, knowing I have been raped.
For the second attack, I had written down the steps the man took to terrorizing me, and I read them to the person who was supposed to stay with me. He got pissed and I just didn't know what to do. I was in shock, really. Unable to process much, unable to physically do much, not sure where to focus my emotions. I knew in the back of my head that it was not my fault, that I will move on from this, that I was simply an innocent victim and the attackers would pay the consequences in the end. The next task in my mind for the dream was to deal with the facts and learn to cope.

In the dream, I felt a huge sense of vulnerability. And the feeling after you get adrenaline. Not quite the crash, but where you're still a bit shaky and have to breathe deep.


There is absolutely no reason why I should have had this dream.
I have never been sexually assaulted.
Harassed? Yes. In high school. But in that case, I turned around on the spot and swung my leg, aiming for the guy's crotch. I missed because he jumped. I wasn't scarred in the least bit. Just unwilling to put up with crap.

I was in a rotten relationship at one point in my life where I was manipulated. I don't like to think about it much, and I am an entirely different person now from who I was then. My feelings on that part of my past are completely dissimilar to how I felt and what I went through in this nightmare.


My marriage is wonderful and it shocked Tyler a bit when I told him about this nightmare.

It was an awful thing to go through and I really don't understand why I have these horrible experiences in my subconscious.
My life is on the right track. Very good things are happening. No, it's not butterflies and rainbows. It's much better than that. It's a constant learning experience with growth and health and relationship building, both in my marriage and out.

I wonder if I am being prepared. Not necessarily for future personal experiences, but perhaps prepared to have empathy for those who I will come to know who do go through these experiences.
Be it rape, watching family die, having to remain strong and be a loving leader for youth around you, dealing with trauma.
I don't know.

But I really don't like the darkness.

Guns and Pepper Spray

Location: Boulder City/Dubuque/North Las Vegas

A burglary took place at a convenient store next door to where we were. We heard gun shots. I knew they were doing a sweep of the neighborhood, and we were next. They would shoot each of us. I was hollering for my mom to run and grab us each a gun, or at least one for herself, which was handed to me. I had my pepper spray as well. They came banging on the door and we were NOT ready. We were trying to hide and stay quiet. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. The operator was not helpful. She did not believe me when I was reporting that we had heard gun shots at the convenient store, and they were going to come and shoot us next. I was rambling our location, pleading for her to do something. The group of men broke in and found us, grabbing us by our shirt collars and hair. There was a struggle. I was trying to force the shotgun out of the main guys hands. I recognized him and called him by name. He realized I knew him, and seemed taken aback. During his moment of surprise, I pulled my pepper spray out and nailed him in the face. But he didn't react a whole lot. He just couldn't see. I broke free and ran, continuing to call 9-1-1 with no help.

The rest is a blur.

Undermining the Boss

A huge lady who reminds me of the big evil lady in the story of Matilda. She's my boss. She once grabbed me by the neck and picked me up, choking me, cutting me. I felt the need to be very sneaky and undermine her. But I had to warn others about her while doing it - they had the potential to get in her way and face her wrath. My mom started to work for her and found her to be a very pleasant lady. That's because this lady was far more accepting of people closer to her age than young adults.

Something involving music. I had to conduct and work with 7th graders. But there was something I was planning and I needed to be very careful that she was not observing me, publicly or privately, while I did set forth this plan.

There was a lot of traveling involved. And swimming. I was swimming and stealing from her ginormous food supply to feed those less fortunate.
Then I was at BYUI. I managed to sneak out of my apartment without her noticing and had set out to completely run away and spread the word about her evil workings.
I was caught by an old friend and had to explain to her everything, make her promise to keep it secret, and for her own safety, not even acknowledge that she knew anything about me whatsoever.

Something involving a huge concert, heavy metal. Plans to destroy it? I don't remember what side I was on, destroying it or preventing destruction. I ultimately just didn't want to be there because my ex would be there and I wanted to leave, get as far away as possible. But I didn't. I was hiding from the evil lady. I was like a mouse. Thinking quick, small, high adrenaline, hiding easily, but a huge target if seen. Unwanted. Soon to be found, not many places to go for safety.

That's all I really remember that is worth attempting to write about. The rest can't really be put into words.

Dark, Torturous Hell

Maybe I should rename this blog "Those Horrific Dreams of Mine"...



I did an awful thing and almost threw a puppy to her death in the woods filled with coyotes. For a game. A dare. It was careless. The puppy was a basset hound puppy. She managed to put herself out of reach. I ended up saving her, but I felt so guilty and felt like I would never be forgiven.


There was also an evil house/building thing. Possessed with evil spirits and people who were followers of Satan. I had to go all the way down to the lowest floor for some reason. I had a little boy in my arms and was shielding his eyes from the awful displays. I felt very strongly to just forget my task and get out of there. I knew it was the Holy Ghost telling me this. I got out, but once I was outside, realized I had lost the boy. I then learned he had died down there. I wanted to go back and change everything, but it was too late. The evil had been too much for his body and soul, so his spirit was taken away. He was in Heaven, but I felt so awful about the whole thing and was so upset. I felt like it was my fault the boy had died. I made a serious mistake. The boy's family had no idea, and I would have to break the news to them. I couldn't bear the guilt.

Another dream that I'm having trouble remembering the details to. I was witnessing the awful things that will happen in the future. I was desperate for somebody to remind the audience that Christ will come again and bring an end to this torturous hell that was being said to await the world. It all felt so personal. It was made very clear to me that I would have to endure this hell, and so would everyone I love. I don't remember what the hell consisted of, but it was very upsetting. It was unimaginable. I couldn't believe I would be witnessing such an ordeal.
Nobody, especially the lady showing me the hell, believed there would be a relief, a Savior, a purpose, plan, a single hope to have. She and others were so engrossed in the hell that awaited us that they couldn't even comprehend or want to believe we would have a Savior. It was a very lost environment. Very focused on the wrong things. I was literally crying and pleading for these people to remember and recognize that the atonement can carry us through, that Christ WILL come again, and there is reason to have hope. I was desperate for somebody to be positive, happy. I couldn't bear such negativity, such sinking drive and misery.





It's weird having these guilt dreams, because there is nothing happening in my life at this moment that I'm feeling guilty about. Actually quite the opposite. I'm doing more service, I'm preparing myself to be sealed in the temple, I'm coming closer to my family and soon-to-be in-law family. Life is going so well.

I think Satan is trying to attack me. I'm being completely serious. It's becoming more and more obvious and apparent in these dreams.

Molten Death

This as almost two weeks ago. I didn't remember it until later that evening, and once I remembered it, I finally understood why I had felt so emotionally and mentally drained that day.

We were at a camp on a mountainside. A dormant volcano. Not so dormant anymore, apparently. It erupted along the side of the mountain, cracking the ground open. Watching people die from the lava destroyed half of the camp. People being swallowed by the molten flames, trying to escape and not making it. I was running, feeling overwhelmed with the heat surrounding me. I barely made it. Oliver was in my arms. I had to be strong and not panic for Oliver's sake, since he was witnessing the same thing I was witnessing - people dying torturous deaths. Watching their bodies cook and burn and suffer, seeing the expressions on their face, knowing there is no way they can make it out alive now, and then watching the life finally leave their eyes. Then I learned that Tyler had just been there a few moments before the eruption. Soon after, I learned he had been life flighted out of there just before the chaos ensued. Tyler was just as horrified that I had been there and was now gone.


This was definitely one of the worst dreams I've ever had. It was way too vivid, morbid, gory, and real.