Life Changing Accidents

It started as we were driving back from some kind of church activity. Sister "Smith" was driving Sally and me. She was going way too fast along these sharp curves along the edge of a mountain. We were in a desert. Everything was brown, and it was hot and very sunny. I realized later that Sister Smith was somewhat drunk. That, or she had really lost her mind and was being threateningly suicidal/homicidal. Not because she didn't like me or Sally, but because she was trying to prove some kind of point to everybody at church. On one of the curves, the car couldn't make the turn, and we were driving off the edge of the cliff. We were in the air, falling. Everybody was screaming, and Sally and I were holding hands (I was in the passenger seat, she was in the middle back seat), both saying prayers out loud to God, telling Him we have our fullest faith, and asking in this moment of emergency if he could spare us. We still have work to do in this life, we still have duties to fulfill. I was thinking about Nick. I was thinking about how I still love him, and I felt my want to continue my life with him. Then, the car started to slow down in its fall and landed back on a lower road. We all cheered out of relief that we were unharmed and sang and shout praises to the Lord. We started going again, and Sister Smith continued to drive like a maniac. Suddenly another car came out of nowhere and there was an awful accident. I was the worst injured. I hit my head really hard, and the car had smashed through my door and parts of its engine had jammed against my body. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital. Dr. House's team was watching over me, and apparently I had been a part of the team. I could hardly move. I could not see well, my vision was badly damaged. Parts of what I was seeing were just completely gone, and everything else was extraordinarily blurry. My depth perception was thrown, and I could not discern colors very well. I had trouble staying awake, and I was breathing with the help of a machine, because I could not breathe on my own. Even once I was off of the machine, speaking was difficult with the combined head injury and breathing problems, but I learned how to do some of it. I spoke very slowly and my voice was low and a little rough. I found that when I would sit up/stand up, my legs were so damaged and my back so injured that I could not remain upright. Moving my legs was difficult, they felt very heavy. I had to do a lot of physical therapy in order to be able to get some normal movement in.

Something had happened later that put all of House's team out of work. I had been deemed incurable/fixable, and was a bit of bad luck or something to them, so they got rid of me. I went to a burger king on my own later, barely being able to walk or see, but I knew that one of the team members, Taub worked there. He saw me in line and saw I was having trouble getting around, got my order, and then I slowly started to tell him something about how he shouldn't give up his career, and something about 13 and other team members needing his help, even though House wasn't in charge. He said it would not be as good of a team without me there, but I told him I was of no more use, and that it's what he needed to do. I had things on my own that I needed to do, which is why the Lord had spared me in the awful car wrecks.

Later, I was home. I was kind of useless, just stuck on the couch, unable to do much else. I wanted to drive again, get around, go to church and go see Nick, but my parents said I couldn't because my physical movement was so slow and my vision was so bad. Even though I had gotten glasses that helped tremendously (though there were still some blind spots), I wasn't allowed to drive.

There were some people who were mad at me, and I did not know why. One guy, we'll call him John, was upset because he thought I was long gone. He didn't understand that my brain was still functioning and I was still there. I was just handicapped. He also was somewhat jealous that I was not in love with him and that I was in love with Nick. He had been a very good friend to me though, and in real life, I once liked him a lot, but got over it. He never responded, but now suddenly he really liked me. Through this trial, he had been helping (though I don't remember how), and I gave him a parting kiss to say "thank you". It was awkward, but I really wanted to thank him. I then moved on, in search of Nick. For a while I was back in Rexburg, waiting to be able to see Nick again - kind of how I am now in real life. There were some people helping me to recover, and helping me to try and have fun. We were on a beach, and some girls thought I would look really cute in a few other swim suits, so they led me to a locker room and had me change. My former roommate was in there, and she kept staring at me, because I looked different from the accident. I just ignored it though, and tried on the suits. Back on the beach, somebody openly asked me "..so, pardon my asking, but what exactly is wrong with you?" and I laughed, because not only was I having to deal with the accident, but my crohn's disease was acting up as well. I explained, and people were very understanding. Then suddenly I was in Utah. My cousin Shelley had a baby girl with a number of complications. This was one of the twins, a few years ago when they were born. It was almost like there had been some kind of apocalypse, and the hospitals were deserted. So she ended up sticking the tiny baby in this little rectangular "L" shaped hole in the ground, keeping her covered in mud that was treated with something that would be absorbed into the baby's skin to encourage her organs to continue growing so that she would not die. We watched her progress, and eventually we got to take her out. Everybody had to be at different places though, because the world around us was being destroyed, and I had to breastfeed the child. I was not sure why I was lactating, but then I remembered I had been pregnant, but miscarried, and my body was still somewhat in baby-preparation mode. (No clue how I had gotten pregnant, though I felt regret over it, as if I had slept with someone and had repented of it since, but was still unsure as to how exactly I had gotten pregnant.) I fed the child, and suddenly felt this strong instinct of motherhood that had been laying dormant in my life until this moment. Even though I had this broken body, I felt a sense of wholeness, peace, and accomplishment because of the fact that I was still able to carry out the role that my body is supposed to carry out.

Then suddenly I was finding Nick. He was on his way home from Boston for a quick break from work. He called me, saying there had been an accident. I found him, and he was in a narrow road between two mountain cliffs. A car had fallen off the road above on the mountain and smashed nose-first into the front of his car. He was stuck, but uninjured. His mom had shown up as well, and so had his godmother. It was interesting, all of us being there. Both his mom and godmother had been wanting to meet me, and I was still physically handicapped. Plus we were all in this car in the middle of nowhere, waiting for help. But I was so happy to be back with Nick. He loved me still the same, even with this broken body, and his mom and godmother were gracious and a bit overly-concerned with both him and me, him being stuck in his car and just little things, like how his new job is going and our relationship. With me, she was encouraging of me and my efforts to become stronger and get better, but also kind of babied me. Asked me if I needed anything to eat and somehow had food ready for us and helped me get comfortable to eat. She was very loving.

I don't remember how it ended, but I was so happy to be with Nick. We were together, holding hands, and I just felt this overwhelming calm and happiness of being with him. It was beautiful.

Flying and Fainting

Last night I had yet another flying dream, only this time it was involuntary.

I was on campus and my family was here. I was walking with my soon-to-be 10 year old brother, and we were going to meet up with the rest of the family.

Now, it has been so windy in Rexburg for the last couple of weeks, and this became part of my dream.

I sprinted from one building to another to go grab something. I leaped over the grass median that splits the sidewalks, and the wind carried me away!! I couldn't control it, and my brother was just laughing! I was laughing a little too, but I was a little more worried about being carried away. Eventually I grabbed hold of something and managed to pull myself down and stay down by holding onto whatever it was I had grabbed.



In other dreams lately, I have been fainting. I keep collapsing, fainting, falling down and falling unconscious. I feel so weak and sick and light headed in the dreams. I wake up and I feel the same. I have been working on drinking more water every day, because I really don't like the way I feel most of the time. I fell down today after I got up too quickly. Everybody gets light headed from that, but I actually fell to my knees while walking. Oh well. I just need to take it easy, I guess. Drink more water, make time to eat real food.
That's all!

Murder Truck, a Girl, and Love

Monday night I had quite the dream. I saw it from several different view points. Sometimes, I was the "girl". Other times, I was right behind the "girl". Sometimes I watched it from above, and sometimes the "girl" was my sister Sally.
There was a man who drove a large nasty truck. He was a murderer and liked to kill young girls. Usually with his truck somehow. In this dream, on this day, he had already killed 6 other girls by running them over as they crossed the street. He had a new target, and she was well aware of the six murders, for they had just happened five minutes ago on the street she had to cross. I was then viewing from her eyes. She ran across the street, and as expected, he made a left turn on a red light through a busy intersection to hit this girl. So she ran, stopped, lay down, and he drove over her, but she wasn't hurt, for she let the truck pass over her. He made a wild u-turn and she made a run for the median, which stretched out into a large ditch with a lot of flooded water. He chased after her but had a hard time, because the ditch had a steep V shape to it, and the truck couldn't balance. I watched this from above. She swan into the flood waters, where there were other people. They helped her to safety. The man's truck stopped working in the deep water, and he was captured.
The girl was then my sister, and we had to take her to therapy because of the traumatic incident. It was emotionally draining.


Otherwise, I have just had dreams about going home and being with Nick. We are happily reunited, and I don't have to leave. I get to see my family. And my dogs. Such happy dreams. I hate waking up.

Some Nights Are Just Awful

Last night's dreams were just plain awful. Just as terrible as the last set of nightmares I had. And the whole time, my heart wasn't pounding and I wasn't anxious like I would expect myself to be, but I just quietly endured it straight through and was depressed, frustrated, horrified, and completely filled with dread. All somewhat peacefully, except for the fact that none of what I was going through was necessarily peaceful.

I don't remember exactly where it started, but I remember being in Iowa City, which in and of itself was awful to me, I can't find anything good to associate that place with. I was looking through cellos at the violin shop that I got my cello from down there, because I need a new one eventually (which, also, in and of itself gives me anxiety just thinking about... it's going to cost a lot of money). I ran into these people, a mother and a son I know from Dubuque who also have his cello cared for at this violin shop. They were in to have some work done on his cello and were browsing through to find a temporary replacement one.
The eeriness of the dream began about here, because all of the cellos were severely damaged and unplayable. The wood was rotten and the cello necks stuck out at odd angles, broken and missing strings all around. The place seemed to have been underwater for a very long time. There was a lot of mold and what looked like washed up sea weed everywhere, with dark dank smelly puddles everywhere. I was chatting with the mom, and apparently they were in a hurry to head out of the town before it got dark, which made sense to me because the town was freaking creepy at this point. The mom asked for directions to the hospital (which I am more than familiar enough with) and I offered to just go with her in the car to take her and her son there so they could meet briefly with someone they know who works there, and then they would head home. So I went with them, but as I was giving directions, I realized I was taking us the wrong way. So I had us turn around, and when that happened, I saw that the rest of the city was starting to look like the violin shop - it had been flooded, and many parts of it were still flooded and even under water. Sky scrapers were completely drowned. We were then sort of swimming through the city traffic, finding the best way to the hospital. The buildings around us were all ruined. Water plants were growing on them, sea weed taking over. I knew there were people who never made it out of the buildings. Death was everywhere.
We got to the hospital parking lot, and I took them inside. I had no shoes on and did not want to be noticed because of that. The mom did not listen to my advising on where we parked, so we had to walk allllllll the way through the hospital to get to the area they needed to be in. They were really frustrated, but I was just eager to get out of there. We walked down some really long hallways that were unfamiliar to me and had really weird textures to the walls and floor. I remember there being a window into this place that was boarded off, and I could see rock and dirt and ants crawling everywhere inside. It was disgusting. Behind the little window/boarded door it dropped off. The rock wall didn't go very far back, maybe only a foot or so, but its height and how far down it went was not known. There was a flood light lighting up the place, and the whole thing just gave me the creeps. I kept remembering the last few times I had been here, and was really sad remembering my friend Scott had been here just a year ago and died from cancer. I became really depressed. Wanted to get out of there asap. We kept walking, and the mom was irritated that I didn't have shoes on, and I was too because my feet were feeling dirty, so once she got what she needed from the pediatric clinic, she took me somewhere to get slippers or something for my feet. I had to pay twelve dollars for some shoes that were really fuzzy from this really tiny office. Then we left, but the mom's kid was still inside. She said he would catch up and meet us out in the car. We got out to the car and waited for him, and I could see him inside the building, trying to find his way allllll the way back through the weird hallways and to where we parked. He made it, and then the mom told me I owe her all sorts of money and I just gave her twelve dollars for the shoes and was out of there.

From here, I was then traveling to Idaho. It was really really cold, and I did not have everything I needed with me. I got to the apartment, only to find that more changes had been made to who was going to be my room mates, how the apartment was set up, and how much living space I actually got. It was really confusing for a little bit, and eventually I got a room to myself, which I wasn't expecting, but only for a few moments. These two girls showed up, both sisters. They were really young and terribly annoying. The younger sister wasn't even supposed to be there, she was still in seventh grade and was just being an annoying tease to her older sister, who kept being outrageously silly with her sister nonstop. It was so annoying. They hid under my bed, told me I had to share a room with them because those are the rules or something. They were declaring all sorts of rules that would be official because this was where they were staying, and I had to comply to all of them. They were absolutely ridiculous, and I can't remember any of them because of the dream aspect of them, but it was really ticking me off. When I told them they couldn't do a lot of the things they were planning on because it simply just isn't proper roommate etiquette , they got really defensive and anxious and upset. I had to explain to them that no, there dog could not stay under my bed and poop in a box under my bed, and no, I would not dog sit for them while the older sister has class, and no, I would not allow them to sleep in bed with me. Their stuff did not belong under my bed, they needed to have their own place with their own bed for their stuff. I was getting really anxious at this point because it was looking like I would have no space to call my own outside of my basic pillow area - that was it.

I then had to explain to them how to do their laundry. I couldn't believe they had been dropped off at college and didn't understand how to use or share a washing machine.

The rest of the girls in the apartment complex, which were actually more like dorm rooms rather than apartments, ignored me and left me to deal with this crazy girl by myself.

Things finally seemed to settle down and I went to bed, only to be woken up with a mess in my hair. Gel and cream oozing everywhere. The crazy girl thought it would be funny to play a prank on me. When I got mad and told her that was rude and inconsiderate, other people told me I was being mean and should just get over it.


The whole time I was waiting for my parents to get back from the store so they could help me finish getting set up with my groceries and such, but they were mostly interested in just getting out of town and not worrying about me anymore.
And I realized how much it sucks to not have a car. And I'm not going to have a car when I actually go to Idaho, which I am not looking forward to at all.


So I got outside eventually, and was freezing cold. People were out partying before classes began, and I was suddenly with a bunch of people I know from various things, mostly orchestra in high school, but some people from church here in Dubuque, and some people were characters from House and some people I didn't know at all.
We were all gathered together to support our mutual friend, who in real life right now is preparing for radiation therapy treatment for his recently diagnosed cancer. It was a party of some sorts, to help this friend keep his spirits up. Eventually the focus was less on him and more on the party. Some people were really drunk, and it was kind of frightening. I kept being picked up by people trying to dance, and people were getting naked and trying to get me naked, but I didn't want to be. Somebody grabbed my breast and made some rude joke about how I'm too small for him so he's not interested in me, but he kept on pinching me and wouldn't leave me alone. It was really really really unexpected and bothered me a great deal. I was really upset. Finally they left, but apparently, because I wasn't participating in the dare to get naked or something, I was going to have to be punished in a way, similar to the idea of how House gets punished in his show when he misbehaves by having to do stuff he would rather not. For me though, it meant an invasive medical examination in public. I was freaking out at this point and was trying to run away, but I couldn't escape. I was screaming and kicking and doing everything I could to keep myself wrapped up in a towel and away from these crazy people. They got a hold of me and I can't remember what I said, but I got them to wait for just a minute while I thought of something to distract them, and then I woke up.

Thank goodness.

I was really upset when I woke up and it has taken me all day to get out of this funk that the dreams put me in! D:

Blind, Blood, and Babbling

I had awful dreams last night! I was so relieved to not be dreaming anymore when my alarm went off. Although, I didn't necessarily want to face Monday, either.

I was at Kohl's (where I work). It was late in the evening. I was trying to move myself to a different cash register because the check out table I was at was not functional. Yet customers kept coming up to me, wanting to make their purchases. I kept telling them I would take them at that register (pointing at the one I would move to) in just a moment, I needed to close up this one. Somebody handed me a zipped bag of money. She said "it's for you." I was not sure what to do with it. I couldn't tell if she meant it was for me, a representative of Kohl's, therefor the money going to Kohl's, or me personally for me to shove in my pocket and take home. More than have of it was foreign currency, but there was still a decent amount of American money - well over $100. A manager came over and I was trying to explain what happened but they just told me to help the customers. Then my vision started to fade away on the left side. Things were just... gone. And what I could see was really blurry and losing color and had a blue tint to it. Soon it was like I was looking through the space between my hands cupped around my right eye. But I had to keep working, so I just carried the bag with me to the new register (only after having a disgruntled customer try to just make me stay at the crappy register because she didn't want to move to another lane). I checked out a few people, and then realized I was way over my shift.
I went outside, only to see the sky filled with blimps, which was really weird. Then there was  plane coming towards the ground. It crash landed in the parking lot. It was a hijacked plane heading east to Chicago, but the passengers managed to land it. They tried taking it to the corn field behind Kohl's, but clearly they missed. Fortunately nobody was in the cars in the parking lot at the time. I did not know if the people in the plane were okay. I ran back inside Kohl's to tell the managers what happened. They seemed indifferent and were not concerned.
Then I remembered I didn't clock out. It was a few hours past the time I was supposed to clock out. So I went to the break room to clock out. I was talking with people in the break room about what happened outside, when I saw there was a glass wall along the back side of the break room, and behind the glass wall was an indoor pool. I decided to take a swim. When I was done swimming, I learned that swimming lessons were going to take place and that Kohl's associates could be reassigned positions to teach swimming lessons. I definitely wanted to take that opportunity. But as I was getting out and talking to someone about it, I realized I had no top to my suit on! There were mostly girls in the room with just one guy in the corner with a signup sheet for kids who wanted to take swimming lessons. I had my hands full with my clothes and shoes and a bag and papers from work and I was trying to cover myself up at the same time, so I ran into the girl's dressing room crouched over and then dropped all my things on a bench, grabbed the nearest towel and got into a shower stall to draw the curtain. As I was stepping into the shower though, I noticed some puddles of blood on the floor. Taking a second look, I realized they were rather large puddles of blood. Then I saw blood on some of the walls. It was on the shower curtain. It was my blood. I don't know why I knew this or how it got there, but it was my blood. Girls were complaining about it around the locker room and I felt so embarrassed. Soon my towel was drenched in blood. I threw it away and turned on the shower and just rinsed myself off, didn't bother drying off, and got changed.
As I was leaving Kohl's, people were unhappy with me for some reason. Both customers and employees. They were giving me dirty looks and snapping at me. Only, I couldn't understand what they were saying. It was all gibberish. It was frustrating. I was trying to text someone to tell them that things are crazy and I don't know what to do. I then realized I texted the wrong person - I sent the text to Heather, the girl I had an awful confrontation with this last summer. After all that had happened in the dream, this was when I started panicking. As far as I know, that girl hates me, and talking to her is the last thing I want to do. I just tried to forget about it, and fortunately she never texted back.

When I woke up, the first thing I did was make sure I did not actually send her a text. Took a sigh of relief when I found I had not.


Not very happy dreams. Not a very peaceful day. :\

Oh, How I Love to Fly

For the past several weeks I have had dreams about flying at least one night a week. At least. They are so elating! I can literally just pull my weight upwards and I'm in the air, floating. I can go fast and slow, and sometimes it takes more concentration. But I'm fully aware of it. And eventually I become aware that yes, I am dreaming, but I don't wake up, and I just continue to fly and have this feeling of weightlessness. I fly to the places I need to go. I escape places I don't want to be. I travel around town and through the country, to my former homes, and to places where I could someday call my home. I visit Nick's family in Nova Scotia and just have peaceful visits.
Everything with flying is peaceful. I went to Clarke once and got annoyed so I flew away and didn't look back. That felt good.


I wish I could fly in real life.
If there was ever a dream or part of a dream I had (as in while I'm asleep dream) that I could make come true, it would be flying. Oh it would be flying.

I love flying. :)

I am the Hero

Some intense dreams last night! And unfortunately I cannot remember all of the details. I will do my best, though!

The dream was filled with crazy things going on. at one point in the dream, I was at church. It was raining pretty hard. Sacrament meeting was taking place, and I was standing out in the hallway for some reason. Not enough seats inside I think. I saw that there were three people wanting to come in. I knew one of them was a member of the church, and I vaguely remembered the other two, who were much taller than the person I knew (a youth). I was not certain if they were members or just visitors. They tried to stay out of my sight and not let me overhear what they were talking about, though. I suspected something wasn't right about them. I stepped away to take part in the church meeting and then was back in the lobby, only to find that they had put up pleasant looking posters and cards for people to take that had to do with religion. Looking further into all of the layers and layers of posters and pictures and cards they put up, I realized these were "anti-mormon" propaganda posters. They said that we will be burned in hell and God will hate us if we continue in our beliefs and that we need to accept Jesus. We don't need to do all this "fancy" stuff (nothing the church does is "fancy" in the way they were portraying it), and we don't need to do extra work. Just "accept Jesus" and don't worry about it. We're idiots for thinking otherwise. It made me so frustrated (in a righteous way it felt, though) and I started tearing them down. I asked them "why do you think God would hate anybody? Doesn't he say multiple times that He loves all of his children? Why would a group of people praising His name and simply doing Christ-like actions be something worth burning in hell??? They came up with some stupid reply and I told them to get out. They refused, and they hid away in the bishop's office.

I don't remember everything else in detail, but I do know there was a lot of fighting going on. People were dueling, it was all a battle scene. People from my past who were mean to me were all there and trying to weasel their way out. In the end, I ended up drinking some kind of potion that slowed time down around me and I was able to defeat everything or something. Then it was all done and it was peaceful and I was being rewarded, but I didn't want recognition, I just wanted to stay home and rest. But I was ultimately the hero.

???